They say parkrun is a social run not a race. 5K of friendly jogging and enjoying the company of like minded buddies. WRONG !! It’s a matter of life and death. Probably more important than life and death. Survival and glory are the only objectives. I see myself as Charlton Heston in the final chariot race in Ben Hur forcing my way through a course of spilled blood and guts and bodies. I am the good guy but it’s my chariot with the protruding metal spindles that wreck the wheels of competitors causing them to crash spectacularly. 283 runners took part last Saturday. Only the fittest survived and I don’t mind admitting I had blood on my hands when it was all over. How did I do ? A massive 2 seconds faster than last week. I regard that as a huge margin when you compare it to the Big Bang which created the Universe in less than 1 second about 13.7 billion years ago. My arch rival Mike beat me by a minute. I’m fairly sure he takes a short cut when I’m distracted pushing obstructive children out of my way and into the nettles. Perhaps I should request an urgent steward’s inquiry or contact the media. Another 3 seconds faster and I would have dropped below 24 minutes. I can’t seem to do this at the moment. I note that a man in the 60 to 64 age range ran it in 21 minutes 10 seconds. What sorcery is this ? That’s obviously too fast for a social run and he should have been disqualified. My only consolation was that I beat another arch rival, Diane, by 3 seconds (Big Bang times 3) who complained of “tiredness.”
Am I taking it too seriously? Is it unrealistic to harbour a hope that I will, one day,beat the hundred or so runners in front of me and cross the line first ? Should I join the Flat Earth Society ? Am I just an “amiable loafer” as Lorna has described me ? Sounds like a good domain name!